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ISTORTER
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Take a closer
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issue!
April Tools Edition
Rubio, Bush, O'Malley
campaigning for Stetson
Provost
Stetson Universitxj | DeLand, Fla
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James/Justin Cruz
StaffWriter
After spending months campaigning
to become the next president of the United
States, Florida SenatorMarco Rubio and former governors Jeb! Bush and Martin O'Malley have set their sights on the next biggest
office open this year: Stetson University's
provost.
Following the announcement of Provost Beth Paul's upcoming presidency at
Capital University, rumors swirled regarding
the prestigious position. After dropping out
of the race for the Republican Presidential
nomination in late February, Bush returned
to Florida, where he served as governor from
1999-2007. While visiting Daytona Beach attempting to figure out how he lost a political
campaign to Donald Drumpf, Bush learned
about the job opening. Although he had never before heard of Stetson before, Bush figured it would make the perfect rebound position. Asked about his interest while tabling
I
Jeb? Provost!
for support in front of the CUB, Bush said
"DeLand is the perfect place for a low-energy guy like me. I can relax at da Vinci's, take
in some orchestra concerts, ya know. In the
mornings I deal with some professors. Everyone knows how great my record on education was with the FCAT and all of those
other arbitrary exams my brother George and
I pushed for."
While the one-time heir apparent
strolled through the Hollis Center, a southern
wind blew in from West Miami as Senator
Rubio's campaign bus parked next to Elizabeth Hall. Rubio, whose campaign ended the
night of Florida's primary vote, immediately went on the offensive against his former
mentor. Standing atop the Holler Fountain,
Rubio shouted "Let's dispel once and for all
with this fiction that Barack Obama doesn't
know what he's doing. He knows exactly
what he's doing." While the students around
him seemed to have no idea what he was
talking about, some public safety officers
gingerly approached Rubio in case he might
be a safety risk. The longtime football fan
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sprinted away from the fountain towards the
DuPont-Ball Library.
Rubio and Bush decided to hold a debate to try and persuade students to support
their candidacies for the provost position,
but found themselves sharing Lee Chapel's
stage with former Democratic presidential
candidate and Governor of Maryland Martin
O'Malley. O'Malley's appearance mirrors
his debut in the first Democratic debate last
fall; prior to both events no one knew he was
running for either job. In fact, the crowd first
mistook him for another student, as he played
his guitar shirtless on stage. Once political
science students recognized O'Malley, he
was allowed to participate.
Moderated by the constantly growing
provost search committee, the politicians
did their best to avoid directly explaining
what they would do as provost. Asked about
expanding tenure-track positions, Rubio argued "professors need term limits- er, yearly
evaluations to make sure the best jobs go to
the best faculty members. If there's a great
professor in economics, they should be able
to move up to chair of the philosophy department. Regulations like tenure hurt the
university," drawing some boos from the attending philosophers, who already had reason to dislike him. Bush said he would like
to see the administration play a smaller role
in curriculum and planning, giving students
more power over what they learn. Students
cheered heavily, but the faculty members began to tremble in fear. One audience member
was heard shouting "I refuse to teach Captain
America and Steven Universe!"
While O'Malley certainly spoke, no one,
not even this reporter, can remember what he
said.
After the debate, the search committee's
90 members announced they would continue looking elsewhere for a new provost. One
member, who wishes to remain anonymous,
said "college students do like Bernie Sanders."
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