The Distorter

THE ISTORTER ^^^ff^^S wx*<rffl Take a closer look at this issue! April Tools Edition Rubio, Bush, O'Malley campaigning for Stetson Provost Stetson Universitxj | DeLand, Fla ;:?!>;?:,' James/Justin Cruz StaffWriter After spending months campaigning to become the next president of the United States, Florida SenatorMarco Rubio and former governors Jeb! Bush and Martin O'Malley have set their sights on the next biggest office open this year: Stetson University's provost. Following the announcement of Provost Beth Paul's upcoming presidency at Capital University, rumors swirled regarding the prestigious position. After dropping out of the race for the Republican Presidential nomination in late February, Bush returned to Florida, where he served as governor from 1999-2007. While visiting Daytona Beach attempting to figure out how he lost a political campaign to Donald Drumpf, Bush learned about the job opening. Although he had never before heard of Stetson before, Bush figured it would make the perfect rebound position. Asked about his interest while tabling I Jeb? Provost! for support in front of the CUB, Bush said "DeLand is the perfect place for a low-energy guy like me. I can relax at da Vinci's, take in some orchestra concerts, ya know. In the mornings I deal with some professors. Everyone knows how great my record on education was with the FCAT and all of those other arbitrary exams my brother George and I pushed for." While the one-time heir apparent strolled through the Hollis Center, a southern wind blew in from West Miami as Senator Rubio's campaign bus parked next to Elizabeth Hall. Rubio, whose campaign ended the night of Florida's primary vote, immediately went on the offensive against his former mentor. Standing atop the Holler Fountain, Rubio shouted "Let's dispel once and for all with this fiction that Barack Obama doesn't know what he's doing. He knows exactly what he's doing." While the students around him seemed to have no idea what he was talking about, some public safety officers gingerly approached Rubio in case he might be a safety risk. The longtime football fan ■':■■'"■■-.': ■'.'■/■'. ■'-:. /:"-y. :> '.'■'■' sprinted away from the fountain towards the DuPont-Ball Library. Rubio and Bush decided to hold a debate to try and persuade students to support their candidacies for the provost position, but found themselves sharing Lee Chapel's stage with former Democratic presidential candidate and Governor of Maryland Martin O'Malley. O'Malley's appearance mirrors his debut in the first Democratic debate last fall; prior to both events no one knew he was running for either job. In fact, the crowd first mistook him for another student, as he played his guitar shirtless on stage. Once political science students recognized O'Malley, he was allowed to participate. Moderated by the constantly growing provost search committee, the politicians did their best to avoid directly explaining what they would do as provost. Asked about expanding tenure-track positions, Rubio argued "professors need term limits- er, yearly evaluations to make sure the best jobs go to the best faculty members. If there's a great professor in economics, they should be able to move up to chair of the philosophy department. Regulations like tenure hurt the university," drawing some boos from the attending philosophers, who already had reason to dislike him. Bush said he would like to see the administration play a smaller role in curriculum and planning, giving students more power over what they learn. Students cheered heavily, but the faculty members began to tremble in fear. One audience member was heard shouting "I refuse to teach Captain America and Steven Universe!" While O'Malley certainly spoke, no one, not even this reporter, can remember what he said. After the debate, the search committee's 90 members announced they would continue looking elsewhere for a new provost. One member, who wishes to remain anonymous, said "college students do like Bernie Sanders." "0 :§£;,. I.CB6JVI1 IS' Graduation moved again? Find out info on the new location inside Frank Ocean finally drops the album UiM'msi^nbar-: : •n ;V'.'-. y- some :