The Distorter

thur apr-04 ^ http://disfeftsr.stetson.edu -%£ =3 WHAT'S msim Status Quo 2 a Facts 4a Death ib Sporks 5 b EtAl 6 a issue 9 3/4 volume 118 ■^^^L^.A^JJ.-,^^^ f VK^^AA]a^..^^£^JI^^ AAAA^..^j2tA^A^AA>.!- ...f ,~ ■', . ■' ~**L*^X» I D SPORICSs Mad Hatter dies in tragic food accident page 5b FACTS! Zombies want brains served in Uncommons page 4a continued frem page 2d grasp of what was going on there. However, they were unwilling to com-, ment on what their weapon is, nor what is their exact plan of action. "We know what we were doing wrong now," commented Funny with a smile, "the award will be ours with in the next few years." Some Stetson officials are even wagering that Stetson's population will double in its diversification by next semester. "This is a sure fire way," claimed Skynyrd. After much coaxing one member of the council was willing to come forward with hint as to what their plan really entails. Although the member wishes to remain unnamed, he made comments that insinuated Stetson would be willing to let a few applications slide through. "Let's just say that not all of BJU's students are from planet earth," said the council member with frightened side glances, "The nondiscriminatory policy stays within our own galaxy." Stetson's new plan may not be directly adapted from BJU, but they feel as though they have a good idea going. "There is no way the award will get out of our hands. In five years, other southern universities will be coming to us looking for help to diversify their student community," said Funny. Another idea that Stetson is willing to boast about is the changes that will take place to the campus. The university has a small allowance for the Ho- mogeny Council, and if they each give up a portion of their salary they might be able to make a change to the campus that will have people begging to come here. One idea that the Homogeny Council is very proud of is fried chicken Thursdays. This will be a mandatory fried chicken, collard greens and black- eyed peas menu every Thursday of every week. "We have other menu ideas, but this is our favorite," said Skynyrd when pressed further. Another idea that the council is toying with is to do away with all organizations that receive STABACK funding unless they obviously support a diverse agenda. In other words, "If they cannot prove that they have five freshman who we can put on the website or brochure that came to Stetson for the sole reason of joining their organization, then they are getting the boot," said Skynyrd. All these ideas stem not only from the meeting with BJU but also from the fear of Funny's insatiable thirst for diversity. Grimy McVeigh makes clay flowers. ^Distorter e Screwed Up 1. All articles, Issue 2.7182818 We didnt mean to print this pile of crap. Instead, we meant to print witty satire that would leave you with a better understanding of your humanity. 2. Soylent, Issue 42 Soylent Green was incorrectly reported to be produced from the harvesting of sea algea. SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE! 3. Funk, Issue 69 Bryan Funk was incorrectly reported to be a big fat loser, it turns out that he's actually the coolest kid in school. Stay Far A way 555 N.Elm St. #9696 Spokane, "WA 32720-3751 356.812.7774 This is all a joke!! distorter(*z<s tetson.edu di s to rter_status quo (fli; stetson, edu fact sestet son. edu deaths stetson.edu etallSstetson.edu sporks(tf, stetson.edu offhneftf) stetson.edu giveusmoney<f£ stetson.edu INVESTIGATIVE rspo^t U011W|AA^*| o&a* A Jl A _, A ' __> . V-A , ^A * »AA A ■ " A . * ^A ^ \ -M - ^ - ^ is ^,-A * A. CHAINS: Bryan Bagels needed to "expand" on his ideas, according to directora de primer ano de ingles Meg O'Nail. He is now expanded, photo by captain lou albano By Nathaniel B. Forrest GRAMMAR NAZI "^^he first floor of Fraggle Rock has been nearly j empty since the Center for Information Deletion moved out, according to the official University space allocation charts. However, the Distorter has learned that, in reality, the space has been used as an El departmento de ingles torture chamber. Recently, the Distorter was contacted, by a highly-placed source within El departmento de ingles who claimed to have information about departmental secrets. At that initial meeting, the Distorter received a copy of a recent department meeting's minutes. Most of the agenda items were routine; the intriguing item was labeled simply "Marmadonia," beneath which were listed several names. When the Distorter attempted to contact the people listed underneath "Marmadonia," it was informed that these students, all first-years, have, "matriculated to other institutions," according to the university's bookie. A further meeting with the informant suggested that an investigation of the first floor of Fraggle Rock might prove fruitful. There, the Distorter found the matriculated first-years. The students listed in the minutes had not moved to other schools, as was claimed, but rather had been condemned to a secret chamber of horrors. Once freed, the students were , more than willing to grant interviews. "My professor asked me to come to her office one day at the end of term," said Anthony (Tony) Osgood. "Once I got there, she said she was fed up with my coming drunk to class. I explained that it was because of my fraternity events, but that only made her madder. The next thing I know1, I'm chained neck- deep in a tank of Natural Light. It was horrible." Other students, ones whose professors claimed they tended to use dangling participles, were set up to dangle from the basement ceiling as punish- "His eagan ut astungon, ond hie him sealdon attor drincan... hrathe hiera heorte waes toliesed ond hiera mod omvended." ment. Another student, one who refused to give his name or anything else to the university any more, said that his experience in the basement stemmed from his sleep habits. "I tried to explain to him that I couldn't be reasonably expected to bar-hop with my friends every night trolling for chicks and still be awake through the whole of an 8 a.m. class. All he said was that since I thought I could learn English best by using „ i my Bolt Handbook as a pillow, I could use the dictionary as a blanket. They put me on a table, and then they started stacking things called OED's on me. I'm an asthmatic, and I've a- j never had that much pressure on my chest before." Meg O'Nail, directora de primer afio de ingles, admitted to knowing about the program. "Of course I know about it—I was the one who first proposed it. I got fed up with first year students' writing, and knew my colleagues had, too. I'm not sorry about it, either. How do you think I got tenure in a seventeen member depart ment? Now get out of my office before I make you write a paper on Coleridge's notebooks," she said. When asked how the department members decided on the elements of the chamber, ingles chair, Tommygun Feral said that the concept had historical precedent, explaining: "Hie aeton manna lichaman ond hiera blod druncon. Ond aeghwelc man the on thaere ceaster com eltheodisc, saegth thaet hie hine sona genomon ond his eagan ut astungon, ond hie him sealdon attor drincan thaet mid miclum lybcraefte waes geblanded, ond mid tham the hie thone drenc druncon, hrathe hiera heorte waes toliesed ond hiera mod onwended." Members of the administration, including the Dean and Associate Deans of the College of Farts and Mysticism, have denied any knowledge of such actions on the part of the department. Dr. Kill Cylon, upon hearing the news, held a news conference where he vowed to redouble his efforts to abolish the first year English sequence and replace it with communal drinking parties in hopes of raising student retention rate and building broader common experiences. Nathaniel Bedford Forrest can tell the difference between restrictive and nonrestrictive relative clauses (whatever that means). BY L33T CH41LLE STATUS QUO UNDERLING The administration has been extremely concerned with student safety. Students going off campus for alcohol has been an issue in their board meetings for quite a while. Thus, the University has decided to allow The Blind Pig Pub to open a franchise in the Fat Stack, in order to help with the administrators plan to promote the safety of our students. Sterile Nub, associate Dean of Revenue Sources, said that, "We as the administration feel that the safety of our students must come first, before all else. That is why we had decided to spend the money to expand the Fat Stack so that the Pig can have space." One reason for this expansion and allowance is to try to persuade against drunk driving. With the elimination of the "Safe Ride" program, aclministrators had to come up with an alternative to promote student safety. Lara DiCroftio, Acting Director of Student Inactivity, mentioned that, "Since Thorn's Taxi is no longer providing safe rides for our students, we had to think of other alternatives to try to discourage drinking and driving. We feel that by opening a place on campus where students can obtain alcohol students will no longer have to result in going downtown and making stupid decisions. We care about our students and want them to remain as safe as possible." With access to alcohol on campus, students will no longer have to go to Halftimes or other such places to party on a Thursday night since the Fat Stack is going to extend their hours to accommodate students' drinking habits. In addition to getting the Fat Stack to extend their hours, Private Gestapo has agreed to help out by giving any students who are too impaired to make it back to their dorm on their own a ride back to their respective dorms, without them getting in trouble for alcohol abuse. Even "under-age" students will be allowed to take advantage of this opportunity, because the Pig (within the Fat Stack) will not be IDing any student. It's another issue of safety. If students can't get the alcohol they desire on campus, then they will get it elsewhere, so they might as well me allowed to get it on campus, where they can be safely escorted back to their room by Private Gestapo. This means that even freshmen and sophomores can take advantage of what the Pig has to offer. The administration has also talked to Mining Services to see if students If could be allowed to use meals or points there. Manager of Mining Services, Stan Wheatie, said that, "Mining Services has agreed to let the Pig accept meals and points as payment for drinks. In general, a six-pack of beer see DRUNK, page :*( BEER: Danny Bark passes out after indulging in the Fat Stack, photo by lizzie mcguire