The Distorter

Wednesday, April 1, 1998 ^> Wait until you get a load of this tahloidal trash. Column, Volume 110, issua 13 (904) HOT-LOVE • FAX: (904) 738-DATE \W\ I News: [email protected] [iiwjl Life: [email protected] Forum: [email protected] Sports: [email protected] Ads: [email protected] General: [email protected] .ftfe^fMJs' ^^&&MIH**tao& http:/ /www.thenewseditorissexy.com © i 3 Welcome to The Reporter's annual lampoon edition. Nothing in here is true, so if you're offended, kiss our First Amendment-hugging asses. Stetson University, Hickville, Florida By JEFFERSON DAVID Staff Megalomaniac In a shocking incident which promises to rock the university's moral foundations to the core, President H. Douglas Leigh was indicted on numerous charges last week for involvement in embezzlement schemes, money laundering, and organized crime. Leigh's activities were exposed during a meeting of the university trustees last Thursday when, according to trustee Jayne Wymer, "We realized that none ofthe numbers on any of the balance sheets or income statements added up properly, and that instead the university's money had been flowing somewhere else." Leigh's wife, the esteemed First Lady Maggie Leigh, also delivered documents to the DeLand Police Department implicating her husband in these crimes. Leigh was escorted by DeLand police officers to their headquarters at Best Apartments last Saturday. Leigh denied any involvement with the Mafia but said that his "little Southern wife" would soon "find herself buried in a pillar of cement and thrown to the bottom of the Gulf of Mexico." Leigh later denied making the statement. Vice President for Campus Life and Parking Management Jim Beesley rejoiced at the incident, saying "I will use this incident as an opportunity to advance my own personal interests and vault myself to the position of president." Trustees immediately began battling it out with pitchforks, spoons, and knives to determine who would become the next president of Stetson University. "Listen, you little twit,"' said John Maverick, a university trustee. "You may think that you have aright to come and bother us about real issues that affect you on a daily basis. We own you. We own your little newspaper." Leigh's wife, the esteemed First Lady Maggie Leigh, confirmed that Leigh has systematically been removing any and all "threats to his base of power." "He's been following a real Machiavellian formula for everything, ever since the beginning," said Maggie Leigh. The DeLand police department pointed to numerous missing students, faculty members, and other members ofthe Stetson community. The department of decision and information sciences at the School of Technical Vocations conducted a linear regression analysis and discovered a positive correlation between the number of missing students and the number of strange cement columns which have been appearing around the campus recently. Dean Dasher rejoiced at Leigh's downfall. "When the President's staff meets and I have to sit there and listen to Jim and Dean Woodbrush prattle at each other and fling petty insults at each other, I get the most insatiable desire to fling Doug from the windows." Acting Vice President of Tuition-Gener ated Monies Juddy Striker said that the false balance sheets and income statements were "merely mistakes" and that the appropriate "secretaries will be fired immediately.*' Michele Spinoza, director of dilapidated buildings, announced that Lee had tried to organize a crime syndicate around her ceramics shop, which she operates on the weekend. "I just couldn't believe it when Leigh thought that we could smuggle cocaine and diamonds from country to country using my ceramics," said Spinoza. "I make the ceramics because I love them and they're just so cute. Cute, cute, cute, cute, cute.*' Spinoza said that her ceramics shop would become the center of a new series of developmental programs for student employees of residential life. ATTACK > Jim Beesley VP for campus life (& parking management, ended the skirmish last Friday by bludgeoning the terrorist leader to death with his cast. By ANASTASIA ROMANOVA House Mother for The Distorter staff A group of terrorists seized control of the Carlton Union Building, the Hollis Center, Griffith Hall, and David Noyes' precious chillers last Friday. The terrorist leader, former news editor of The Distorter Jeff Hamrick, claimed to be working on behalf of Greenpiece. His second-in-command, Stephanie Adduci, was also a former Distorter employee. Both died at the close ofthe skirmish last Sunday. The terrorists—a group of approximately fifty men and women—slipped into the Carlton Union Building using a master key carelessly dropped by Michele Spinoza, the Director of Dilapidated Buildings. The terrorists were also reinforced by paratroopers, who stormed the Commons. Chef Kenny Rogers, who was cutting burnt pork with a butcher knife, took out two ofthe terrorists before he was pumped full of hot lead. Hamrick demanded that the university provide him with two large helicopters, an end to university pollution, and $3 million to aid Greenpiece. He also insisted that various members of the community stop making idiotic references to The Stetson Distorter, a newspaper he said "no longer exists." In a statement to the press, Hamrick said that he was "tired, tired, tired, of administrative lies, manipulation, and a lack of student involvement with key environmental decisions." Adduci, who experts w>w say was Hamrick's mistress; said at the close ofthe situation "We will not surrender until all of our demands have been met. I also insist that this university institute policies restricting air pollution. Which means that Beesley won't be able to smoke those Cuban cigars any more." Adduci led the contingent of terrorists which seized control ofthe Carlton Union Building. During the struggle, Adduci bashed Aurelio Valante, associate director of peeling paint, in his face. Valante was one of the few survivors ofthe incident, which ended on Sunday. Jim Beesley ended the sldrmish last Sunday when clumsy public safety officers began poorly executing a counterstrike. Hamrick was temporarily distracted by public safety's assault. As he was relentlessly picking off See TERRORISTS, page 2a ESCORT SERVICES > To pay for rising tuition costs, students have been engaging in the world's oldest profession. tlE— \ r~~~-\r hr~\r\ innf hi- ir Af""^ t\ nji r, V r - i 'i ni i ii TX M I I 0 '-Jt-u j i[ \\ U"U I I b-j . j < u¥:o/\ ^ ■1 I i l '■ '« 1 . ""* . ■- I ! '% I ' "I 3~"™l * * "i ru-lr it if] y\ MADAME: Julie Smaction, senior madame for the organization, coordinates sexual services for her network of gigolos. Here, Bret Marzano, a senior psychology major, prepares to render services for the editor-in-chief of The Distorter, who will be very angry when he finds out I put that in the caption. By JUBILATION T. CORNPONE First-tier prostitute The DeLand Police Department recently uncovered a massive prostitution ring at the university, centered around a core group of students with strong connections in the department of public safety, the Student Government Association, and The Distorter. Julie Smaction, senior madame for the illicit organization, claims that "my profession is the most effective means of financing my education. As students who are being charged over $20,000 a year for a questionably strong education, we feel that we should be able to use any means necessary to pay for it." Jefro Hampson, chair of the Student Government Association's temporary tuition rebellion committee, endorsed the prostitution ring, saying that "it is an excellent way to divert wealth from local officials and citizens of our glorious city of DeLand." When the DeLand police department questioned Franken Mussolini, the chief of public safety, about the prostitution ring, Mussolini blew off the situation as "a minor problem." "My men like to utilize the services of our students," said Mussolini. "After a long, hard day of work, my men like to kick back and relax, have a little bit of hoo-hoo dilly, you know, like any normal human being would be expected to do." President H. Douglas Leigh, who is reputed to be a Mafia kingpin, said that "The trustees of Stetson University are not human. They do not have sex. They therefore find this prostitution ring to be unacceptable and morally questionable." Leigh promised to "bury that man [Mussolini] in a column of cement." Smaction said that she ordinarily received about 20-30 requests per day for sexual favors from university students. She noted that very few of these requests were for elderhostel whores. "I think that the lack of demand for elderhostels is rather understandable. Have you ever looked at any of them?" said Smaction. "If you look at the elderhostel population here," said Smaction, "it is obvious that they are completely unattractive. I'm surprised we even let them on campus." Mussolini denied ever utilizing the services of Smaction's network of proslitules. Smaction said that she provides a variety of prostitutes, including males and females. Bret Marzano, one of Smaction's prostitutes, said the Smaction is "generally very fair and gives me a pretty good cut of the money that I earn with my hard, hard work." Marzano said that he frequently is infected with chlamydia, one of the most common sexually transmitted diseases. Marzano said that he is quite popular among students from the School of Music. Dean Woodbrush denied in a later interview that he had ever utilized a prostitute "in the general vicinity ofthe greater DeLand area." Smaction said that she would consider ending her prostitution ring if "the university would only stop a minute and think about how difficult it is for us to absorb these damned tuition costs." Smaction said that she provides all of her prostitutes with oral contraceptives and condoms which she "obtain[s] for free from Health Services, which hands them out indiscriminately all of the time." Marzano said that most ofthe prostitutes were Greeks, who "tend to have a greater affinity for crass sexual acts." The local chapter of BTA (Bible Thumpers of America) announced that the entire ring would be sentenced to a lifetime of social isolation and an eternity in hell. By WALTER DISNEA Staff procrastinator BOAT: Public safety officers party on the deck.: The department of public safety recently acquired a yacht/power boat to be used for patrols. Public Safety Chief Franken Mussolini said that the boat will be used to patrol around campus while the public safety Jimmy gets its every-other-day wax treatment. - "It is very important for the safety of our campus for us to drive around campus in big, masculinity-enhancing vehicles. Stetson students need to have the perception that they are safe." Despite the addition ofthe crime-fighting boat, Mussolini said that it is still important for all students to lock their doors, hide valuables, escort each other, give parking tickets, scare skateboarding kids off campus, and fight crime whenever possible. "We can't do everything around here," he said. The boat was paid for from a grant from the PTFAC (Parking TicketFee Allocation Committee), one ofthe 87 committees on campus charged with distributing various monies collected from debt-burdened students. "We thought that it was a worthwhile cause. Besides, we have all sorts of money," said one ofthe committee members, who asked not to be named. That anonymous male professor, who works primarily on the third floor of Elizabeth Hall in a small, closet-sized office, said the boat was a good bargain at $ 1.2 million. "The Hollis Center cost $3.5 million—and it can't even travel on water," the jubilant professor said. The vessel is equipped with brethalyzers for trips to fraternity row, plus other state-of-the-art equipment like search lights and a helicopter landing pad. Mussolini said at least three officers will be on board. One will pilot the boat, the other will navigate, and the third will make sure the other two's beverages from the Hat Rack don't spill.- While the boat is on patrol, work study students will patrol campus in the golf carts. "They will drive right by all suspicious activity just like the regular officers," he said. Dar Stub, director of Student Existence and the Moneypit Center, said his staff of 18 was looking into offering water skiing as yet another stupid Hollis Leadership course. Mussolini was not amused. "Water skiing will only be permitted by members ofthe dean's council and trustees and their relatives. Who do you think pays the bills around here?" he asked. u nstead FORUM: Special section for racists featured this week, 4a LIFE: Plenty of U-wires and other stupid articles, 3b SPORTS: Cheerleaders complain about coverage, 4b J^Et^Cetera 6a .w£ w,wWw'"Ww 1 -2bl Life