The Distorter

<.y mon 01 apr-02 Msr http://distorter.stetson.edu isorer 9Q issue tf» volume 999 Over One Billion Thrown Away Every Monday LIMBO; Future lecturer warns of coming disaster page 5b FACTS: Empire of Burger and McDonaldland duke it out page 4a REVELRY continued from page 2a ute to Rohn Pee Wetson and his hat, so the mascot will be changed to a Slacker. The second step is to increase the student acceptance rate to 100 percent. That way every student who applies to the University, regardless of GPA, standardized test scores, high school involvement, and fabricated essays, will have an equal chance to throw away past achievements and future dreams for the nonacademic-oriented lifestyle that NAQI hopes to provide. "This is a very important step because all the latter steps hinge off of this one. Without students devoted to our principles at this school, we cannot serve ourselves and fulfill our goals," said Dr. Michael Tantrum, professor of calculators and computer games and backbone of the Futility Senate. "Besides, now the University can claim it supports the Equal Opportunity Act since affirmative action is outmoded." The third step is to ensure that all facilities and technology remain outdated because no one really uses them anyway. According to the NAQI, "This includes shutting down all the computer labs because almost all students have their own personal computers this day and age; it is the new millennium. If a student doesn't have his or her own computer, then the roommate probably does; therefore, they can share one more thing besides the room itself." The fourth step demands to expand the number of DeadLand students and commuters, also known as townies, to one-third ofthe student body. The fifth step then plans to close the campus every weekend and change all the locks on the dorms so the university will be a completely suitcase campus, where every student returns home on the weekends. This step will be accomplished much easier with the fourth step in place because a third of the student population -will already be accustomed to returning home. This step will also free up funds saved from power and water and air conditioning costs, so the University can fund more important programs, such as the national championship winning basketball team and the refurbishment of Gee's office in DeadLand Hall. Steps six through ten are classified and not open to public forum, but inside sources tell us that they deal with see PARTY, page 2a , ^Distorter C ORRECTIONS 1. "Yearbook don't got no grammatical errors" BOOZE, Issue 7. The yearbook does, in fact, have many errors. We failed to report that there are many students, who would rather read an organic chemistry book instead of glancing at the four students who are represented in the yearbook. Students complained the "It's A Small World After All" song that played after the bookcover was opened stopped working after the first and only page of the book was turned. 2. "Edible food attacks campus" LIMBO, Issue 18. The commons does not serve uncooperative students in the turkey tetrazini. Those students, who refuse to smile while rich parents are touring campus, are sent to the commons to lick off the stains from spoons in order to save more money. Don't Contact Us 1600 Pennslyvania Ave. NW Washington, DC 20500 205.456.1414 FAX 205.456.2461 [email protected] [email protected] [email protected] [email protected] [email protected] [email protected] [email protected] [email protected] Green aliens speak to SCA >"«*"'".!*_'£> pi^^l ...- -wr^w'<_wi's** *"J»J. MKUNOW .zr-pzzzp.zJzis,- • .<y; " ."..I" INVASION: Via the satellites, the aliens ask to play their unique version of football and ultimate frisbee where the human losers are tasered. photo by b. leaf roswell- By Elle E. Enn BOOZE WRITER ' The function of the satellite dishes and antennas atop the thePoint Library was revealed, last Thursday when aliens landed on campus. At approximately 2:30 a.m., the dishes were seen to spin and emit green rays towards the sky. Witnesses described the scene as "unlike anything seen before on Earth." Within minutes, the alien mother ship descended to the earth, where it hovered and occasionally emitted a piercing whine or burst of colored light A ramp extended from the craft shortly thereafter, and the university community got its first glimpse of alien life. The aliens were described as "little green men." Some reports indicate that the aliens bore a striking resemblance to our own terrestrial ants although larger, of course, and with exposed brains. One witness described the aliens as "like humans, except for their forehead wrinkles. Such wrinkles have never been seen- before. They're like something out of Star Trek." After exiting their otherworldly craft, the aliens described their home world of Myrple-7 as a "place of war and death." "We come in peace. We seek refuge from our home world, a hellish planet of fire and radiation," said alien spokesman Betabar Jambo. Jambo then left his craft entirely in the company of two droids. "These are not the droids you are looking for," said Jambo with' a wave of his hand, add- • ing, "Move along." Those present then repeated the alien phrases. He then requested to be taken to our leaders. No one present knew what leaders this referred to. Within an hour of the beginning of the human-alien dialogue, the aliens grew impatient and asked to see the local government association. Students in attendance were unaware of the existence of such a body. "I didn't know that we had leadership. I've always assumed that we are all puppets of mind-controlling brain worms, but in fact there is some form of government on campus. Evidently, they have the authority to make decisions and undertake tasks," said Smurf Jones, a witness to the historic event. This first con- ^..=.-.—____a— tact was saved by the presence of SCA representative, Unusually Dense, who accidentally dropped a binder emblazoned with a logo of his organiza- —„.„.. „^ tion. This ~~ * *" * prompted . the aliens to request to be taken to see the leaders of SCA. At first, none.of those in attendance knew whom this referred to. One student, junior general business major Samantha Gabologna, recalled seeing the names of two SCA leaders in an editorial in. The Distorter commending the organization for their lack of a consensual relations-policy. A brief search on The Distorter's frequently- updated and easy-to-navigate web site revealed the names of campus leaders "We come in peace. We seek refuge from our home world, a hellish planet of fire and radia- tion. Nikhole Blowenlick and Cyst Fritata. The two were together at the time of the alien landing, and Betabar Jambo was brought to see them. The president then called for an emergency SCA meeting, where the assembled senators quickly passed a resolution extending the U.N. Declaration of Human Rights to the new residents of Earth, granting them all temporary United States citizenship, and moving all nearby stoplights several feet to the right. The resolution also included pas? sages granting solid gold pants to all SCA senators. Blowenlick and Fritata were pleased with the results of the emergency meeting. "We dealt with this problem just as any competent governing organization faced with a similar situation would," said Blowenlick. "With all the power given to us by the University, we had no trouble handling the alien issue. We will be working on cold fusion and world hunger over the next few days, so expect to • see great things from SCA." Elle.E. Enn can be contacted using the dishes atop thePoint Library. Shadow Government prepares for terrorists By Wesley Shunned big asian motha' The Student Crap Association (SCA) has just revealed the existence of a Shadow Government, to assume the duties of the current SCA in the event of a surprise terrorist attack. "I guess a lot of people were upset when I didfVt do anything I promised during my campaign," said Blowenlick. "I'm about to leave office, and I want to be remembered for something." Last year, Blowenlick promised to stabilize university tuition, grant 24/7 visitation in the dorms, establish third party vending, introduce folk dancing, solve world hunger, single-handedly develop a cure for cancer, and grant everyone on campus the power of flight. "This new Shadow Government will be great," said Blowenlick. "It will make lots of senators happy and get more people interested. Sure, it may not have much to do with student representation, but who's really paying any attention to us anymore anyway? And yeah, it might have been unethical to create such a large program without voting on it, but then again, should I really be seeing Cyst Fritata? There's really nothing wrong with this move at all—right, Fritata?" "Yes, dear," said Fritata, SCA vice president. . The Shadow Government currently resides in a mountain somewhere in southern Georgia, awaiting a-call in case the SCA. is toppled. "I-was as surprised as the next senator to learn-we had a Shadow Government," said SCA senator and would-be president, Chiquita Sting Bang. "OK, so, like, I -never really know what's going on, but usually there's not much going on in SCA anyway. Has anyone seen my Easter eggs? They're really important because the pretty colors take the focus away from my lacking in substance." It is unclear at this point exactly how much money has gone into the formation of the Shadow Government, nor is it clear exactly who composes it. Fortunately for the University community, Blowenlick has assured everyone that it is well worth it. "The Shadow Government is really, really important," said Blowenlick. "I'm see CRABS, page 3a. http://distorter.stetson.edu - chatter/enlighten/work it/bite/assume in our nonexistent discussion are