The Distorter

note from the chief | Hello, readers. The disturbing tradition of The Distorter continues, despite my best efforts to stem the madness. Fret not, for everything shall be as it once was next week. In* the meantime, be wise: know that everything on these pages is fabricated from the unsteady minds of sick student journalists. wed 01 apr-00 issue 19+2 volume 224/2 Officials say arsonist to blame for explosion BY IMA SNOOP | A corridor on the top floor of Age Hall will be closed for the remainder of the semester after an explosion demolished a lab. Two students were injured. During a Chemistry 102 section of lab on Thursday, Mar. 23 a large block of sodium fell into a twenty-gallon container of water. The combination of sodium and water is known to be explosive and the quantity of sodium arid water involved was enough to completely destroy the lab, according to Dr. Scrubbs. The sodium block was being transferred to another lab. An assistant tripped and the sodium flew out of his hands and landed in the water. Some say that the "accident" was the science department's latest attempt to receive funding for a new science building. Dr. Magnilardni said, "We need a new building, yes. However no professor would endanger the life of students in order to obtain -that building." This "accident" is the fourth such accident to happen since August. Each accident has occurred on a different corridor of Age Hall. As of now there is only one remaining hall without damage. Many are predicting that it will only be a matter of time. Earlier this year a gas valve that was left on destroyed two corridors when someone lit a Bunsen burner. One student was killed and five more injured in the accident. ' Another accident that occurred was a flooding caused by an attempt to neutralize a large quantity of hydrochloric acid that had been spilled on the floor. "When one accident happens you accept it. However, when that one accident turns into two or three or five accidents you begin to wonder," said senior Bryan Mistletoe. "As your SGA President I would work to ensure a safer more up-to- date lab." When asked about the series of accidents, Dr. Beastly said, "We are aware of the need for a new science building. Given the recent accidents and convenient spacing we're looking into them." No charges have been filed, but an anonymous source stated that the accidents are the handiwork of Will For-long. For-long is the lab manager for the Chemistry department and responsible for setting up each experiment as well as maintaining the stock room. '"I would not go so far as to destroy the current labs in an attempt to get new- labs," commented For-long. "Furthermore if I were the one responsible, I'd have done a more effective job of causing damage." Until repairs are made to the labs all sections of lab have been cancelled. Ima Snoop is a science major. New campus casino will eliminate university debt by CHRIS x. carter j Brokering a deal with the Florida Seminole tribe, the university announced plans to build a casino complex on campus. The university's plans, according to Chief Wisecracker' and-the Development Office,- include a full-service casino, a five-star hotel, and a parking garage. "Even with the split with the Seminoles, we expect to net over $5 million a month," explained Vice President Mark Whiptaker. "After clearing the bills from Smoke-n-Cellar, the sexual harassment lawsuits, some other indiscretions, and the enormous unpublished faculty salaries, Dr. Leigh hopes future tuition increases will only be in the single digit range." The hotel/casino's design will have blackjack, roulette, poker, slot machines, video poker, and baccarat in the gaming rooms as well as full-fledged shows, bars, restaurants, and sports book amenities, reported Whiptaker. According to Facilities Management, the Seminoles will buy,.the First,Baptist Church and the Edmunds Center to destroy them to make room for the project. The 20-story covered parking garage is to be built on the intramural field across from Emily Hall. "Let those rat-bastard students complain about parking now!" screamed VP Mostly Noise. "Since Stetson is no longer Baptist-affiliated, this deal makes perfect sense," explained Dr. Leigh. "DeLand's senior citizens at First Baptist would rather gamble than worship, [ see GREED, page 2a ] Commons implicated in foreign labor violations ■ •■ ' ..•-"'x:>*x/*',\'^*_.: - ),- xi ■,'%...'- •?. ^v* *'""»•*jt-*•:■ -,' ->.,■-,-, t£\ ***- v'" 4p '■,'.!• LOOK OUT ICATHIE LEE: Here, an immigrant prepares an evening meal for students. Dasexy Marionette,'the university's food_service provider; was recently charged with exploiting foreign immigrants. According to sources, the company smuggled the workers into the country and kept them in the basement of Sayge Hall. Immigrants worked to pay for their freedom, spending as much as forty years in servitude to the company. According to a Marionette insider, the workers spoke no English, and many had only a third-grade education. However, workers were occasionally asked to substitute for professors at the business school. Any immigrants who resisted their "employers" were executed and put in the soup. photo by paulo macaroni [ read this story in SHE, page 100.3a ] SGA debaters hit the bottle, again & again some say BY DOGGIE BOWSER | That's right, you read it here first. . -Two weeks ago, a female student celebrating her birthday was. thrown in Hollerrif-you-hear-me Fountain, now, she's a couple pounds lighter thanks to the flesh- eating bacteria she received. ,"Yeah,; well I guess that was some birthday present I got," Ima Bitsmaxt said. "You know, I came right back to my dorm room and "got a.shower, but then I looked down and there it was, all green and everything." When she came screaming out of, the community bathroom people rushed out from their rooms to see what was going on. X "I couldn't believe it," said Jean Blue,.who wished to remain anonymous. "I just remember [ see BACTERIA, page 2a ] BY CELESTE BIG BIRD JONES | As administrators and faculty seek to approve an honor code, student government presidential candidates send strong message to "lighten up." In the middle of last night's SGA debate, the incumbent vice president, presidential candidate, and Brad Pitt wanna-be began passing out small bottles of gin to all SGA senators present. The opposing side, astonished, amazed, aghast, and unhappy, naturally protested. Soon both sides were toasting to the school, their success, their parents, friends... and anything else that came to mind. One senator, representing one of the fine Greek philanthropic and social organizations on campus, quickly suggested a drinking game, and minutes later the candidates began taking shots for each question for which they couldn't bullshit an answer. Continuing their game, discussions returned to campaign ideas, but this time with a new-found clarity. The first item on the agenda was the parking problem. Both teams agreed that the problem could easily be solved if professors weren't allowed cars for the first five years they were here. Mr. Pitt's running mate. Sam "Buggzy" Motzzzarella, was able to use his background in financial accounting and his third grade math skills to calculate that no less than 150 cars could fit into the president's back yard. An uni- dentified man wearing Greek letters raised the last question of the night. He inquired, "Tve heard talk of a new honor code - now I'm not saying I cheat, and I'm not suggesting any of my brothers give me old exams, or that my fraternity has a bank of old notes, or that I copy stuff off the Internet— cause I don't... really... I don't... but. I am deeply concerned about the honor code." And then added. "So, what's up with that?" ' Luckily Dr. Bored, co-chair of the Honor Task Force, who had mischievously planted himself in the audience and had been staring like a vulture waiting for his chance, interrupted. Professor Bored said, "We really value your opinion, let's [realize we're going to do what we want no matter what, so shut up and take the Honor Code, or else Darth Beastley will make you an offer you can't refuse—do you still want to] talk about it." The student co-chair repeated Dr. Bored's sentiments word for word. The Funk Master B. and young Pitt gave a power point presentation on their proposed "dishonor code." which would require all students to cheat, therefore eliminating the unfair advantage non-cheaters would have in the real world. . The critical part of this proposal was that each student was required to sign a piece of paper upon entering the university, agreeing never to actually do any work—and, of course, they were encouraged to sign someone else's name. Celeste Big Bird Jones asks, "Don't you wish you were in SGA? That's where all the fun is." Faculty lay siege to LBC BY rah POTAH | Mathematics and natural science professors laid siege to the Lotta Bullshit Center (LBC) after the faculty there announced a new "Group Hug 'N Glug" curriculum. The faculty was responding to an announcement by Dean Paul Smasher, who said that classes at the LBC would be relocated to local bars and taverns to facilitate a $65 million remodeling of the building. Clad in untucked tee shirts, Nike tennis shoes, the mathematics and natural science faculty surrounded the building, which is currently being remodeled into a country club. The soon-to-be-deposed chair of the department, Dr. Miguel San Brantanos, ordered university physicists, to begin bombarding the asbestos-ridden sides of the LBC after business faculty refused to surrender. "It's important that our students be appropriately socialized," said a management professor. "One of the important lessons they need to learn is how to schmooze and booze, how to network, how to really kiss ass." Fissures that opened up in the sides of the LBC permitted a brief invasion by the math/natural science faculty. A professor of entrepreneurial management tried to console a group of the disgruntled faculty with a "group hug" and a Meyers- Briggs Type Indicator, but was bludgeoned to death by a topologist. Sources indicate that professors from the Family Business Center and the Prince Program crushed a snake-wielding biologist and a petite chemist to death with large bags of money from bloated budget lines. Finance professors, irritated by the noise downstairs, began making phone calls and pulling together the capital for a leveraged buyout of the College of Arts and Sciences. "That whole damn college needs to be gobbled up, placed on the Internet, and subjected to an initial public offering," said a 132-year-old finance professor in a dull monotone. "Imagine the staggering price-to-earnings ratios." "I don't think that I need to be holding anyone accountable for anything," said Smasher as several number theorists pelted his office window with eggs. "Can't we all just learn in the bars just as well as we can leant in the good old walls of the LBC?" "But we are adding a rooftop swimming pool to the Taj Mahal," said Smasher with a chuckle and a ho-ho. Rah Potah doesn 7 understand much beyond his English major. New performance hall constructed DONORS CAME THROUGH: Dean Jimbo thanked music school alumni for the $35 used to build the shanty, photo by YIKES DAISY [read this story in Pipe Dream, page 3e ] Poets arrested for Crew teams row being 'too uncouth' their way to Europe BY HAI KU | Gunfire erupted in the Forest of Arson Thursday night as police tried to contain a riot. Though no students were injured, two DeLand police officers suffered minor bruises of ego. "There was onomatopoeia and alliteration Hying around right and left," said Officer Elle Iterate. "It is amazing more of us didn't get hurt." According to Iterate, when officers asked a group of students to recite their poetry "in a more reserved tone." the students responded with a barrage of antimetabole and hyperbole. "In all my years on the force, -I have never witnessed such a heinous use of zeugma and cxcmplum," Iterate said. Two students were arrested and each charged with three counts of sententia and two counts of cpistrophc. [read this story in Strife, page 11b ] by ro moroffen | All of those all-night ergothons could actually be paying off. Last week the men's and women's crew teams each announced that they would compete to be the first crew teams from Florida to cross the Atlantic. ■ "Basically, we needed some incentive to keep people on the , crew team, so we said that anyone who joined the team would win free transportation to Europe," said women's captain Huey" Mueller. "Technically, that's still tnie because if we make it, the university will pay for any expenses we incur while rowing over there." According to Sports Information, the university is not responsible for any loss of life that may occur in transit. [ read this story in Shorts, page 4g ] jjfcf/'ffftl^