The Stetson Distorter

The otetsonmJistorter Florida's Coldest Couegiate 9{ezuspaper Outdated Forecast frianorffoe f with no , j wtndowsrfhis 1 istheojfifywdyt w«» knowwha't % fHew6<itherr$71 Tuesday ; Wednesday 7 Thursday S»ar«: W&rffterCtwmwl April!, 1997 '" Stetson University * DeLand/.Horida 7 Volume 110); N&ikber 21 This Week... Caterpil- ' ' lars attack So why is the ^trf cartoon bug smiling? Food service latest target of firings Tuition Lowered So why is this cash smiTing? ons or Poirrt/s talkin' So why is Dave Bergen smiling? Forrest Gump is back at Stetson! So why is he smiling? by Julia Childs the stetson distorter Yet another department has been reorganized, causing several long-time Stetson employees to "pursue other opportunities," said Ann Saltine, vice president for restructurizaiion. Four Food Service employees have fallen victim—I mean, have moved on to bigger and better things—due to the latest restructurization. The employees were offered contracts to never return to Stetson—oops, I mean severance packages—to make up for the short notice of their sudden resignations. Chef Kenny Rogers, Food Services Director Paul Macaroni, Marketing Manager Ed Cowan, and Howard the Hat Rack guy were asked to resign. Reports from people who were afraid they'd be restructured said that Kenny was fired because he cooked too well, Macaroni was fired for using real beef instead of the beef-like substance, Cowan was fired because he was too dedicated and well-liked, and the Hat Rack guy was fired just for the fun of it. Those fired were asked to turn in their hairnets and aprons and were escorted off campus by Saltine's henchmen—er, assistants. They were asked to set up an appointment for the following weekend to empty their apron pockets. Vice President of Campus Life, Enrollment, and Whatever Else Needs Doing Jim Easily will temporarily take over the role of Hat Rack Manager. "Well, I've never been a professional restaurant manager, but I'm pretty good with my backyard grill at home," commented Easily. Easily's wife refused to confirm that her husband could cook. Tai-Chi Dave from the Hat Rack will fill Kenny Rogers' position. Rather than serving food, Dave will "fulfill the hunger of the mental emptiness through a menu of Tai Chi classes." A national search has started for the open positions, though rumor has it that the replacements were hired weeks before the firings took place. "This reorganization will allow students to receive the same quality services as the trustees and alumni board members do during their Stetson visits," said Saltine. Unfortunately, these groups are being forced to eat the same junk— I mean, food-like substance—ai students. President Lee Covered by Caterpillars tThe multitalentedjim Easily prepares to fire up the 'barbie. SGA elections put on hold President Doug Lee becomes overridden witri caterpiuars uuringa prioiosriooi at ^rijjitri Hun- See story, page 2a. jf7^>! ^,y v\ Beasley cloned for Stetson If>wu^d *' iiyour stuaenti jo%rh%ljst4bd0y? by Stacy Bubbalicious the stetson distorter Cloning is not just a theory anymore, and Stetson'is taking full advantage of this latest discovery. With the recent cloning of animals, Vice President for Too Many Departments to Count James Beasley has offered to be the first human clone. "This sacrifice I will make is not for science," Beasley said. "I am willing to sacrifice my genes for Stetson." According to Beasley and several other top Stetson officials, the plan is to make several clones of Beasley in order to put him.in charge of many open positions on, campus. "This was the plan all along," said the VP of Money. "We feel that Dr. Beasley is too intelligent to let this opportunity slip by. We realize that his qualifications make him the best qualified person to do any and all jobs offered by Stetson." Currently, Beasley is in charge of Campus Life, Enrollment, and lots of other stuff. With this new cloning concept, the school feels he will be able to—literally—be in1 all places at all times. "I decided that Jim is qualified to do anything," the Head Guy/ Fundraiser said. "The idea behind this is a good one." One advantage of the plan that officials may or may not have noted is that it will cut down on time spent in meetings or discussing alternative opinions on issues. The school currently intends to make about 15 Beasley clones to employ as comptroller, Judicial Affairs officer, head cheerleader, Public Safety officer, Financial Planning director, Admissions supervisor, human resources secretary, Student Life director, and executive assistant to the head dishwasher. Spitting images of Beasley will also be seen in academic departments, such as communication department professor, Russian studies professor (even though he currently can't speak Russian), and even associate professor in the physics department, even though he's not exactly sure what the word means. Although Beasley can't speak Russian, isn't exactly sure what the word "physics" means and has never been in a boat, the Head Guy feels that since Beasley is such a quick learner and an "all-around proactive guy," it's obvious that his clones will too. "He is completely capable of running the Financial Aid department after reading a couple books," Head Guy said. "Everything around here's about committees and p.r. anyway—like you need an expert for that." The Big Cheese said he understands that many people may be confused by this sudden turn of see BEASLEY, page 9a by General Interest the stetson distorter Several Army ROTC cadets staged a coup d'etat of the Student Government Association yesterday, overthrowing the democratic leadership of Lindsey Brownish and Jim Schwartz. The seemingly friendly and likable Julia Nesheiwadd showed a darker side as she and six other ROTC students scaled the walls of the Carlton Union Building into the SGA office. The group seized Brownish and Schwartz and took them to an undisclosed location. SGA secretary Wendy More was kept as a hostage. Nesheiwadd declared herself to be "Supreme Dictator" of the new military dictatorship of SGA. Armed with scary-looking-but-fake "rubber ducky" ROTC guns, the military force terrorized the second floor of the CUB, shouting, "Down ith Brown! Down with Brown!" esheiwadd, who barely lost lasr\year's SGA presidential election by 16 votes, declared martial law over the SGA senate. She threatened to sentence all senators to "death by leftover Commons food" if they disagreed with any of her actions. Nesheiwadd and her cohorts demanded real guns and school improvements, including an aerial tram to carry students around campus. When asked if she thought her demands were unrealistic, one of heir partners in crime shouted back, "They're not any less realistic than the candidate platforms for the 1997-98 SGA presidential election!" The commotion distracted the large crowd gathered to gawk at celebrity Tom Hankies outside of the Faculty Lounge. "We're trying to stalk the biggest actor to ever come to Stetson, only to be interrupted by a military coup," said one bystander. "Tom Hankies is going to think our school is filled with a bunch of freaks," said the student with no life. Others in the crowd seemed more concerned with Nesheiwadd's reign of terror. "Julia always seemed so nice," said one eyewitness, noting her service as president of Stetson's chapter of Habitat for Humanity. "I guess you never can trust someone who always wants to help the community." "No one has been able to figure out what drove Nesheiwadd to the edge. - ^S., Stetson has considered starting its own version of the Village People using Beasley clones. Former Hatter Rya Marifke remains without degree -by Steve Howe the stetson distorter Former Stetson basketball player Ryan Marifke wa$ not - allowed to graduate from Stetson last December after being ' expelled for two years over drug charges. - Marifke, whose drug and- iheffc charges were reduced to misdemeanors, lost a court injunction in a last-ditch effort to force Stetson to allow him to attend his last six days of classes and finals so he could receive his business degree. . Marifke was arrested in October 1996 after drug para- * phernalia and 14.1 grams of marijuana was found in his room in Emily Hall. Investigators also found rolling papers, abong pipe, andascale. Marifke was later arrested and charged with the theft of a digital scale valued at $375 from the biology lab. Originally, the Student Judicial Council decided to permanently expel Marifke. Upon appeal the expulsion was reduced to two years. After two years, Marifke ■wall be .allowed to reapply to the university. - Sure, we've already printed similar stories to this before, but come on. Ifs our own Stetson O.J. case. We journalists love to exploit celebrities who make illegal mistakes. Ifs much easier than looking for something really newsworthy that affects- the Stetson community.