The Distorter

tue apr-03 E TjS Q.N... LL N._I.V_EJR...S.I T. B E D http://. .stetson.edu WHAT'S jjvside Snooze 2a Oompah 4a Chex IB Snorts 5 b A priori 6a issue ? volume 115 fefijiaassjyass* toi'J^s; r-,a'^^','.»^.-:_'^V350iT^'i^i.';'!,,-?^:^^ SNORTS: New, dirty coed sport comes to campus page 5b OOMPAH: The right and the left duke it out page 4a ■ ■ x >V "X.-.-i \ ■•[ r- By Candice B. Fureal SNOOZE WRITER ^-jipJ hat's it. We're done. The j fat lady has sung, the cup . jj board is bare, and the grocer has let the little kittens out of the refrigerator. We're sick and tired of doing this ridiculous newspaper week after week after week after week, and we're proud to announce our collective decision to scorn the world and all of you losers who live in it. Writing and assembling this trash is a thankless task, and we're bored of dealing with people who tell us how much we suck but don't have an iota of interest in contributing to our improvement. So to hell with it, we say! The circle is now complete. When last we met, we were the dorks putting together a newspaper, and you were but Imere plebeians. But now we are no longer putting together a newspaper, ^Distorter Oops! My Bad 1. "Damn .Dirty Apes blew this all up," SNOOZE, Issue 8. We reported that the dirty apes blew it all up, but the statue of liberty was in fact .destroyed by humanity's insatiable desire for war and destruction. L e ave Us Al one Comment Card Box In the Uncommons 386.738.1500 ■ FAX 386.943.7272 distorter.:. stetson.edu distorter_snooze ; stetson.edu oompah <* stetson.edu chex/ stetson.edu A_pnori stetson.edu ■ snorts', stetson.edu offline stetson.edu donations stetson.edu and you are both the dorks and mere plebeians! Do you want to know what it's like to be us? Do you!? No? Guess what!? We don't care! Ah-hah-hah- hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah! Not only do we lose precious hours reporting and actually attending all of your stupid so-called events, we lose our'entire Sunday cooped up in a tiny windowless office that—for all intents and purposes—might as well be hell. As the clock ticks closer to midnight and beyond, tensions rise, insanity wafts through the air-like so much bad couscous, and otherwise sane, rational human beings begin to get rather nasty, indeed. The section editors begin to hate on the management, and the management begin to hate on everything within a one-mile radius of their persons. Danimal Holla!, our annoying Bossy Guy, spoke of the experience in a manner that can only be summed up ■ as negative. "I sit around the office all weekend waiting for the stupid section editors to hurry up and get their work done so I can tell them how horrible their sections look. And then they start crying and moaning about how hard they worked on it and how long they've been in the office— as if I actually gave a crap." All the whiny Snooze Editor, Ann Rugdung, wants is articles. "People don't pull their weight and do their jobs," said Rugdung. "I mean, c'mon, you have to write an article in order to be a journalist." Kaiser Wilhelm III, the irritatingly arrogant Oompah Editor, added the following, 'T do everything! Everything! No one does anything but me, and they get paid too! It isn't fair, and it's an atrocity to the sanctity of the German Empire. Some day when they least expect it, I plan to tie all of their shoelaces together into one gargantuan knot!" J.C. Stoned, Assistant Chex Editor, has been profoundly affected by his experience with us. "I hate the newspaper because it makes me behave like a lemming," said Stoned. "A big purple lemming, with Velcro hightops and aviation sunglasses...who drives a convertible and drinks prune "One time, I ripped the blade off of the paper cutter and started attacking people with it." know...someone help me... help...please!" Bobby Parsley, the pathetic Snorts Editor, spoke for the entire staff when he said, "I do hate the fact that there are no penguins in the office." Our In-Charge-of-Everything, The Schwartz, refused to comment, whilst vigorously waving her middle finger around. By now, you're probably thinking to yourself what horribly sad people we are. But we ask you to be understanding, and put yourself in oiir shoes for a while. That way, you can suffer like us, you miserable twits! While in our shoes, you are locked- in that accursed office for hours and hours and hours. Wondering what it's like in there? "It gets really crazy on Sunday nights," said Holla!, "One time, I ripped the blade off of the paper cutter and started attacking people with it. Something like that usually happens every month. That's why the carpet has so many stains on it." Chex Editor, Jenny Spalding, agrees: "While all my friends are finishing up homework Sunday nights, I'm slaving over a hot wax machine." The typo-fixers have it rough too. "I feel like I'm at the zoo with Yanni playing in the background," said Erri Chapstick. "I'd rather be eaten alive by alligators," added Terrible Simmy. "It's like being in the insane.-asylum," continued Jan Soliwoman. "But the really insane thing is no one there is clinically insane. How insane is that?" Associate Ompah Editor, Awful Borin, is often pushed to the very edge of his sanity. "I just can't deal with a working environment that encourages Darald Scrubs to follow me home, wearing an executioner's robe and wielding a bloody scythe. Oh, and once I caught Danimal stroking my hair and humming 'You are my sunshine, my only sunshine,' while I slept in the office. It really freaked me out." Kaiser Wilhelm III can no longer speak without his eyes twitching nervously. "The fax machine is always looking at me," said The Kaiser. "I'll just be sitting there working, and it just stares back...it stares...one of these CHOP: The Distorter staff creates office fun in lieu of work, photo by kaiser wilhelm m Kaiser Wilhelm lil strikes back at his arch-nemesis, photo by ann rugdung juice...what am I saying? I don't even days...oh, one of these days." DEATH: Design Complainer, Jaun Wailing, is tired of everyone asking for his help in working the computer programs. "I'd quit because of all of your Photoshop bitching, if I didn't get paid ridiculously better and work a fraction of the hours everyone else does," said Wailing. Overall,* the experiences we've had have given us a rather negative view of both this paper, as an institution, and the university, as a whole. Parsley is fed up. "I think this newspaper is responsible for the fact that Asians get no respect," said Parsley, "That, or the stupid Asian stereotypical movies." "The paper is the source of all evil in the world," added Holla!. * "It's responsible for the lack of bread bowls in The Uncommons," said. "And my terrible sex life," concluded Simmy. "The newspaper has ruined my life too," agreed Spalding. "I'm scared of zebras now, so I can never again go to a zoo or to the African plains because of the stress." Associate Snooze Editor, Funky Brigand, was blunt. "I hate the fact that this job has "turned me into a se^ 'A LATER page,. ?&&a$^tmfoja3tim&i 'mmm mm mms Wfiftraiia