The Distorter

wed i N S I D E apr-oi . %;^rp^r--p^^-rri "*x-"VJ"' V<"'""_-'' • r - • ■ " **iX'ivV; http://distorter.stetson.edu '%;O OPIUM: Elder hostiles are getting out of control page 4a S___J_JL_a_L. _. __J^I._V_JLJ3jl_S J_T_y WHAT'S '^side Spews 2a Money 3a Opium ib Strife ib Sex Toys 3 s Da Hoe Corner 3 a Squirts 53 Useless 6a issue 0 volume 686 Fldrida's.Numberdne Waste of Time SQUIRTS: New club gets squirrelly with nuts page 5b MAHAL continued from page 5b entrance ofthe business school but were quickly removed by vigilant Public Unsafety ninja team. It was the first incident on campus for which the new ninja division was called in. "It's a good thing that bastard Jeff Hambone wasn't here to make a scene at the opening ceremonies," said Smasher. "I'm happy just so long as there's a Coke machine in the building," said Dr. Juan Klasp, a statistics professor. Bela Kun wants you to now where Transylvania is on the map. No, it _ not in Asia, you dumbass. Corrections —iad_________m___v_— 1. "Independent thoughts -will be punished financiall)?" Spews, Issue 21. .vfe just want to clarify that Dr. Beastly is not just evil but pureeviL 2. "Giant killer lizard escapes from Age Hall," Spews. Issue 15. This never happened. We made it up. Nothing ever happens in this damn town. 7. "Nostradamus tells the truth, world ends, repent now!". Spews. Issue 15. The world apparently did not come to an end. The Distorter apologizes for anyinconvenience this may have caused. 3. "Worthless dead cultures studied in minor," Spews. Issue 15. We mistakenly referred to the new English professor with feminine pronouns. Dr. Ambi Goouhs is neither a male nor a female. The name's not even Dr. Ambi Goouhs. When we were writing the article we had the image of a giant 20 feet long plastic replica of North American Tapeworm in mind. Our bad. 4. "Independent thoughts..." Corrections, This issue. Sorry... replace "pure evil" with "so evil that he makes Genghis Khan look like a silly Mongol child fairy" , 5. "Hatters win championship game!" Squirts,Issue 15. We misspelled the word "win" in the headline and several times in the article. We meant "lost horribly in a humiliating beatdown like they always do." 6. "Homecoming king and queen to be crowned at strip bar," Strife, Issue 14. You wish. 7." "Trustees aren't too old to listen," Spews, Issue 12. That was stupid arid fictional. S. "Every article," All sections, in this issue. We misspelled every instance of the word "university" with an extra "i." We're not the only one. . . .Distorter Contact Us -E________333 ___ Dr. Jim Beastly 2350 Wilmhurst Road DeadLand, FL 32720 904.822.4333 jbeastle@ stetson.edu LIFE COLUMN tp li s J- yua I beats my cancer likss I beats my hoes. 55 T is for Tough: Mr. T don't wanna hear none of that jibba-jabba from SGA Prez Byron Pissler. T was later caught selling drugs to the president, photo by yo mamma By Dubya GUEST COLUMNIST Diversity and multiculturalism as an intri cate part of the uni- yerisity were discussed at the most recent Howard's Through Man lecture. The scheduled speaker, Michael Jackson, couldn't attend because he wasn't African-American anymore. Instead, Mr. T was invited to speak. He opened the lecture by stating, "I.pity the black man who comes to this school." Attendance at the lecture was at a record high, but many muzak school professors left when they discovered that Jackson was unable to attend. However, those who stayed were greatly rewarded when Mr. T led-them in a round of "If You're Happy and You Know it Clap Your Hands:" Mr. T, fresh off of his narrow defeat by the Italian stallion, Rocky Balboa, made a. few, brief opening comments and then talked about how Kunte Kinte influenced his life. After making incorrect allusions to Alex Haley's Roots, T talked about each one of his golden chains. Next Mr. T said, "Mr. T. will now answer your questions, suckas."' Concerned student and expert squirrel fisher Byron Pissler tore himself away from his busy SCA schedule and fountain talk time to come to the discussion. Pissler asked, "What was it like to fight off cancer?" MrxT replied, "Mr. T says I beats my cancer like I beats my hoes." The entire WGS Department (Why Guys Suck), keenly aware that it is Women's History Month, stormed the stage in a fit of anger, only to be beaten down like a pack of hoes by Mr. T. During the episode he apparently flashed back to his Clubber Lang character from Rocky III. Dr. Denise Scescei's son Timmy asked the next question. "Mo T, what is your favorite color?" he asked. "BLACK!" shouted Mr. T. Vice President Jimmy Beastley askedj "What do you think of the univerisity's renewed devotion to promoting a diverse culture in our undergraduate community?" "I .pity the fool who asked that question. Don't do drugs, stay in school, fool," replied Mr. T. Dr. Leonardo Dance and the rest of the token African-American professors could only applaud Mr. T because they live in a separate but equal situation. The lecture ended with Mr. T inviting everyone at the lecture to join him for a home-cooked meal at his momma's house. After the mayor awarded T several keys to the city at his momma's house, Mr. T was arrested for attempting to sell drugs to Pissler. Pissler claimed that he thought they were crushed up white Smarties and that he was just a big Mr. T fan. "He is truly one of the finest actors of the modern era4," Pissler' said. Apparently Doug Gee was strapped for cash and reported Mr. T for possession of cocaine. Fortunately, it was only T's thirteenth drug bust and he was released to his former owner, Hannibal Smith, the leader of the A- Team, on bond. Dubya writes for The Distorter because he hates The Hater. Univerisity w% N _I2_ I MAGNETS ARE COOL: A proposed model of Hatter Lego Myegb preparing to take a trip on the newly designed monorail system: PHOTO BY A HUFFLEPUFF MUSIC STUDENT By Frizz Taylor SPEW WRITER . . After weeks of intense deliberation, univerisity officials have finally come ' up with a ridiculously expensive solution to the univerisity's parking problem—an internal monorail system. Monorails will be installed'from Smith and Wesson, Gordy and Nemek Halls across Amelia to the center of campus and between the Wynn Business Center, Jeff Davis and Hagler Halls and the CUB. The univerisity's'monorail project is the brainchild of Dr. Imso Weiney, a member of the Teachers for Happier Students Council (THSC). "Every day, students come to class late and frustrated because they can't find a place to park. I suggested that they walk from their dorms, but stu dents reminded me that they need all the energy they can muster just deciding to go to class, much less having to walk there," said Weiney. The" univerisity is working closely with Walt Dizzy World and Satan in order to fund the monorail project. About'-the partnership, Weiney stated, "Who better to coordinate with than the leaders of the fantasy industry? Dizzy does an amazing job of taking care of it? guests and Satan is evil and we like thaf. THSC is always' looking for ways to make students happier. They're here to be taken cafe of. This isn't the real world you know. For years, students have been on a fruitless mission to get from building to building on campus without having to exert any physical effort. Driving to class from the dorms is, in theory, the see LEGO, page i2ll http://distorter.stetson;edu - whine/slap/bitch/moan/gripe in our censr