The Stetson Distorter

\: Duh StetsonfiDistorter SponsorecCBytPnBfch loco *BelI, ancC'Disney Fo Yo Info Style Editor honored Stetson Distorter Style Editor Melodie Wheeler has been honored by the Stetson chapter of Delta Omega Gamma for her excellent work in journalism. A house, off Amelia Ave., now has a sign in front declaring it "Wheeler House." Everyone is invited over on Friday night for Lunchables and near-beer. • Hold up to mirror: tnemrlainuq wen noixitiouiO -bn9/nmoD9i nugsd asd ssHimmoD IfiiDibii( 9riT anommoD §nil£9la 10I ln9mrfcirtrjq afi noixilbinD §ru .oiiiBiJ lo woli aiii laniBgB grtbliBq io 9iEWi9viia evil 9rli 1b bnB/i no gd Hiw A2MA lo zisdmsM /IB 98BD ni JIbH rtiobjJBrlD ^d bferf 9d ol vanoixilfoirD .tiro agaaBq i9vi9ado 9rfJ iol bid ol briBii no sd Hiw atrrabirta Ygoloiff .a9ibod Calenduhhhhh Tuesday, April 2 BSU Muppet Fest, Allen Hall 12:04 p.m. Wednesday, April 3 Counseling Center lunch — make sure to make reservations for your multiple personalities. Noon Thursday, April 4 Flamers Outreach Mtg. (Lite Brites) 6:00 p.m. BSU Vexirigs (Allen Hall) 6:30 p.m. Men's Basketweaving vs. DBCC 4:00 a.m. Friday, April 5 If you've read this far, get a life! 6:66 p.m. Saturday, April 6 Judgement (CUB) 11:59 p.m. Sunday, April 7 Bunny ear-pulling contest (Anemec Hall) Wesley House Celebrates Death 7:00 p.m. MCMMCCCMCM Mass (Lite Brites) 8:45 p.m. December 25 Christmas January 1 New Year's Day July 4 The fourth of July, duh. # Ifyou or your organization has information for this column, sit on it We don't care. We are not your public relations tool, so find another way - to get your message out, or, buy an advertisement, cheapos. If you want to e-mail us, good luck getting on the VAX. Ifyou do, send us maU at [email protected] or, call us: (800) 555-4GOODTIME. Stetson ia»€* Snot on your tissues Reading Stetson Stats Percentage of students who say they read Stetson Stats each week: j* Yes 0.01% \ Source: survey of 4 Stetson students j given pre-answered surveys while leaving f the Commons. By Andy Dehnart Beer and wine offered in Hat Rack, Commons By Yuletide Siefkas & Candycane Dehnart The Stetson Sucker Stetson officials announced Monday, that beer will now be on tap in the Hat Rack, and. Chardonnay with dinner will be offered in the Commons. SGA Food Services committee members will issue bracelets and hand stamp students on their way into the Commons or Hat Rack. The deal was arranged with Anheuser-Busch, parent company of Busch Gardens. In exchange for the beef„ Stetson officials agreed to send faculty to fill in at the ape display at Busch Gardens. A Styrofoam cup of wine or beer will count as two sides. The dispensers will be located by the waffle maker. Students are free to make toast and offer the'ir own communion. Complaints were made about the brand of beer received the response, "Would you like some cheese with your whine?" Are you getting all this, or should we type slower? The seating directly across from the cash registers has been designated the "Projectile Vomit Zone" for those who foresee problems keeping their Commons food and beer to their gastrointestinal tract. SGA is researching the possibility of installing beer vending machines throughout campus. Students can even use their student IDs to purchase the beverages. A keg party in the Stetson Room was sponsored by Stetson's new alcohol drinking coordinator, Redd Dogg. The Budweiser frogs were on hand to participate in the festivities. On Thursday nights are ruckle beer and wine nights. For only $ .05, students can enjoy all the beer and wine they want. Leftover beer will be used in irrigation throughout the campus. The bookstore will open a new section Wednesday: "Hangover Corner." They'll offer aspirin, ibuprof en, various narcotics, Vivaiin, and a free cold shower. Reaction to the new policy was mixed like a cocktail. Baptists reclaim donated wing of Chaudoin Hall By Julie Seafish & Andrew Ducky The Stetson Sucker. « Photo by Henry DeLand Seven male residents of Chaudoin Hall sleep on the front porch, after angry Southern Baptists, led by Dr. Musser, reclaimed the South wing of the hall. Ifyou spot the Baptists or the wing, call the StopCrimeLine: (900) 123-4567. At 4 a.m. last Tuesday, enraged Baptists, Bibles .in hand, started pounding away at the South wing of..Chaudoin HalL. The change in alcohol policy, distribution of fluorescent glow-in- the-dark condoms, and the renaming of the CUB to DBH (Drink Beer Here) all contributed to the attack. The Baptists gave the money for Stetson to add the building's wing about 40 years ago. Women Uving in the wing were forced to leave in the middle of the night. Someone put up momentary resistance by launching chicken- substance nuggets (from the Commons) at the Baptists. The homeless women will be residing in Hulley Tower, alongside the late Mr. and Mrs. Hulley and their dog, Spanky. After the Baptists carted off the wing, the girls held hands and encircled the bike lockers singing "kum I think my deep hate of clowns goes back to the time when I went to the circus and a clown killed, imj dad. -JdckHdndey v „„•....„... . . „,....,™. oo , . ,—_ pf, by yah.",-''' According to their spokesman, Ima Reeldork, the Baptists intend to house homeless pagan one-legged orphans in the hall. Computers are now on sale at Bob's Computer Mart, formerly Bob's Fishin' Shack. Other Kids in the Hall seemed indifferent. "That wing smelled, anyway," an anonymous sophomore from Georgia named Ann Smith said. The displaced students will hold a craft sale this weekend to raise funds to rebuild their hall. They will be selling homemade incense candles and voodoo dolls in the shape of Baptists, ^g Sky Eye! Exclusive: Breaking news and traffic report—-Live! 5KY EYE 1 — WITH — CAPTAIN JULIE SIEFKAS &ACE ANDY DEHNART in the air Davina Yetteditor: The Stetson Reporter is the proud new owner of SkyEyel, the latest in air-to- ground communications technology. Piloted ■ by Captain Julie -"—"—' Siefkas, the chopper will report on news around campus, all LIVE! I've just been told that we have breaking news on campus; lef s go in the air with Captain Siefkas and Ace Andy. Captain Siefkas: Thanks, Davina. From what I can see, a Public Safety officer just ran down two Elderhostelers by Lynn Business Center. Can you see anything, Ace? I'm a little busy flying the FREAKIN' CHOPPER! Ace Andy: Sure, Captain Crunch. Right now, the woman's walker, knocked into the road when she was hit by the Public safety golf cart, appears to be blocking traffic. The public safety officer is currently ticketing the walker for. parking in an improper zone and moving against the flow of traffic. . Walker Woman's husband appears to be prodding his wife with his cane,, looking for vital signs. Now, on to other traffic. Woodland is moving fast, expect minor delays and a two minute wait at the light. There is one parking spot left by Emily and Chaudoin—oh, never mind. Julie? Captain Siefkas: Okay. A car is stalled in a pot hole behind the CUB, and causing minor delays. I'm looking through the infrared camera right now, and I've spotted about 12 visitation policy violators. Gee, they are really violating the visitation policy. Mmmmm... Ace Andy: Uh, aren't you supposed to be flying? Let me look... Captain Siefkas: Oh, yeah. Uh, looks like we're gonna get a real close up shot of Hulley Tower in about 1.5 seconds. Oh Father, who art in Heaven- Ace Andy: I knew I should have been a Student Ambassador. Special thanks to DeLand Aviation, (904) 736-7333 or 738-9955. Davina Yetteditor: Looks like we've lost our connection. Our on- the-ground roving bicycle reporter, David Gould, has breaking news: David Gould: Thanks, Davina. There's.just been an explosion. SkyEyel just slammed into Hulley Tower. Smoke billowing in the air has — thank God — stopped the student who was clanging the bells in the tower. Sounded like my kid' brother slamming pots and pans together. A student milling around the crash site just located a dog skeleton. Davina Yetteditor: Thanks for joining us. Now back to Jerry Springer. Are we off the air? Someone get me SkyEye2 on the phone.