The Stetson Distorter

A \^ fbrida!s Oddest Cotkgiatt 9{ewspaper iik^&k-y l - ■' I "lb? 3!W-tPr.y y- "M wgutj '•\yy-sya, vyiJljh")* >M§ .i.y^if.:bftte. •'rtffv. #jy% (rfe?^-. ■-.-^Kni&ftvif ]W- --Srt'awi^VafiJ] itiwF- > "Mvi 4k^''e^y v> '^^ -4^wf''--. y\Mh H&H&W' *y iM'Ru Is.-tftyf %■ 5filx«" ^Mt^atr' yys\py\ MmA4, »m :$mmm tMMmmfi ■ ■ Wk€md~^ Mmlk, '¥Aosx§ If I, Mteiii^j 18 "LlffTLcdl ti-ie President declares war on (name of country) ' , (name of country!—America (verb-past) war on (name of another country). President (name of boy in room) told press that peace talks failed (adverb), and the only way to make the country listen.is to (verb—infinitive). The president ordered a (noun) to be dropped on the country earlier this (point in time). Members of the country's (adjective) religious group refused to stop (verb- "ing" form) and did not sign the (adjective) treaty. "They were not being ■ (adjective). We tried to be (adjective), but we see no choice but to (verb-infinitive)/' said the president. "Lef s (verb) all those Commie fplural noun)," said one advocate of the war. Congress bans (noun) (name of state)—Congress announced the passing of a bill that prohibited (verb) in public places. The bill also makes carrying a concealed (noun) a federal offense. The bill was approved (adverb) by Congressmen (name of boy in room). President (name of another boy in room) was in favor of the (noun). Many (plural noun) were opposed to the (noun). «: They held a protest outside of (name of a place) and threw (name of a food) at the (noun). They (verb- past) on the (noun) and shouted "( name of an expletive)" at passers by. "This is a (adjective) country and we should be able to (verb) if we want to," stated one (adjective) . protester. The National Guard was called to (verb-infinitive) the protesters and to (verb-infinitive) the (noun). M&M* s do melt in (phu^aLooun) (name of state)—Researchers have found that M&M's do (verb) in your hands, not just in your (noun). Scientific testing was done to determine if these (plural noun) melt in your mouth, not in your hands, as the (noun) says. Scientist (name of girl in room) (verb) "Everyone takes these (adjective) candies for granted. The public has been (verb-past) by false advertising." Much controversy has arisen over the (noun) to add the color (name of color) to the other colors. "People take their'M&M's (adverb), (plural noun) are very particular about their (plural noun)." said (name of celebrity). Scientists did (a number) of tests to prove that (plural noun) do (verb) in your (noun) and in your (noun). A lawsuit against M&M will happen on (a date). "This is very (adjective) to me," said one (noun) who likes (plural nouns). "I cannot continue to (verb- infinitive). Life has no more (plural noun) for me." "I think that you are all a bunch of (adjective) )," stated one (adjective) (a color) M&M. Bill Shakespeare The Stetson Distorter. This week the staff of the Stetson Reporterdecided to go pn strike. Their main complaint was that they were not getting paid enough to report the incredible amount of news that they do, for as little pay as they receive. All of the news and so little money just added up to one thing: stress. Tuesday afternoon, a few of the Reporter staffers were lounging around in the office when a letter arrived for Sport Editor David Gould. It was apparently another death threat from another sports organization. Gould just snapped. He stood up and began screaming. He exclaimed, "I'm sick of .not having money. I'm sick of this job. Either I get a pay raise, or I'm gonna QUIT!" Other staff members looked at him funny, but then realized the truth in what he was saying. They all agreed wholeheartedly. Assistant Editor Sean Richter decided to .call a special meeting on the subject. Wednesday evening, the entire staff of the Reporter, including writ ers, editors, and photographers, got together to discuss the problem at hand. They had a brainstorming session, tossing ideas around. Opinions Editor Brantley Craig suggested that the staff gather outside the CUB at quitting time and pelt administrators on their way out with small balls of paper in protest. Many agreed, but Co-News Editor Kelly Underwood had' a more popular idea. She suggested, "Let's go on strike!" There was a heated discussion on which suggestion to follow, but in the end, even die-hard pelters were convinced to join the strike. So the entire staff took up arms and began their strike. In the awesome heat of Thursday afternoon, various staffers stood outside of the post office, holding large signs exclaiming witty phrases such as, "No news is good news!", "Not another page 'til minimum wage!", and "We DEMAND windows...please?" Their picketing lasted all day. They all pestered.vari- ous students and faculty to join their cause. No one listened, but all were astounded. A student passing by just said, "First Major League Baseball,, now this! Is nothing sacred any- flO 0 strikes Photo by Robert Maplethorpe The Reporter staff stands outside of the post office, not only picketing, but also asking for donations. ^ In-yoiirface penalty to'take effect Sara Lee The Stetson Distorter^ Photo by Fae Rae Stetson University administrators have implemented a new form of disciplinary action across Stetson's,campus. The new consequence is the result of a bill originating from the Student Government Association, and is now being put into effect by student judicial in conjunction with public safety., The new disciplinary plan consists of the following procedures: when a student is found guilty of a violation of Stetson policy, they will receive a pie in the face. The flavor and quality.of the pie will depend upon the severity of the student's offense. First-time offenders will be treated to home-baked pies, made by various members of the F.S.U. (Pie Student Union). Under the "three pies and you're out" provision of the plan, repeat offenders will be submitted to still-frozen store-bought pies. Violators of certain policies will be creamed with pies of specific flavors. People who are caught for theft will get a blueberry pie, while those who break the visitation policy will get a cherry pie. Under another provision of the plan, vio lators of the alcohol policy will receive a rum cake, rather than the standard banana-cream pie. The plan was written and submitted into SGA by Dull Pointe. He created the plan, hoping to reduce the amount of violations of Stetson policies. His reasoning was that "maybe students would be more hesitant to violate policies if they knew that they would be publicly humiliated for their offense." He got the idea one night while watching old reruns of The Three Stooges on television. The plan was quickly passed, setting a record in SGA for the fastest bill to ever go through committee. It was sent on to President Lee after only four months of committee research. Public Safety is rumored to open a bakery during the summer, to be called Public Pastry. Officers will be working around the clock to make pies to crack down on the protection of the campus. One of Public Safety's officers says, "I think that this plan is going to work well. I'm hoping to break a few policies myself. I hear that PSU makes a great rum cake." Pointe hopes only the best for the new plan. He says that "it was once said that revenge is sweet, now, in my plan, justice will be just as sweet." Anybody want to buy a monkey? Maimpage in Commons maims many An innocent excursion to the Commons for many people became a horrifying ordeal as several Hostile Elders ravaged Food Service Bob the Wonder Chicken The Stetson Distorter - Several people were injured after many irate Hostile Elders went on a rampage in the Commons. Three students were taken to the hospital and Elliot Palmer, Commons manager, suffered from -minor lacerations and a blow to the - head and is in an unconscious state after several Hostile Elders started throwing,, "used plastic silverware, globs of bleu cheese salad dressing, and chicken nuggets," according to public safety. ■•'''• One of the maimed students said, "It was the most horrifying thing I have ever seen. I was standing in line to get my chicken tampico, and the next thing I know, a chicken nugget whizzed by my head and nearly poked my eye out. You know it's only funny till some body loses an eye." The Hostile Elders were alleg-. edly provoked when a Commons worker announced that there was a shortage of pasta salad.. Many of them started to attack students and staff. One Hostile Elder reportedly picked up some plastic silverware and started stabbing people. One unidentified blue-haired senior allegedly gave one of the cashiers the Vulcan neck pinch after a failed attempt to body-slam Palmer, Palmer, when questioned about the incident, could only mutter repeatedly in his-unconscious state, "Oh the carnage, oh the horror." : " Several students were discovered days later under a pile of rubble consisting of trays, flatware, and an assortment of cheese products. A Commons worker was found in the salad bar after she reported that a "Hostile Elder hurled me like a javelin head first into it." One student claimed to have been mauled by one of the irate, seniors. "This lady jumped on top of me and started beating me with a tray." Several Hostile Elders ran from the scene of the crime. One of the fleeing Hostile Elders was wrestled to the ground by Public Safety officer Matt Hogle, who.will be presented a purple heart for heroic efforts and courage in the face of danger. . -.'■•' "I couldn't let such a menacing threat to society get away. Who knows what other things, they would have done. No restaurant within a 30 mile radius would have been safe from their evil clutches," said Hogle. - Many of the remaining Hostiles had to be sedated and transported to local hospital for minor injuries. . Stetson plans to reconstruct. A team of world-renowned janitors has been hired to clean up the spilled concoction of salad dressing, catsup, and blood. One student recounted her ex- perience. "You never think that something like this could happen to you. One minute you're eating your dinner and the next you are sprayed with special catsup" One Hostile Elder was quoted at the scene of the crime as saying, "If I don't get some pasta salad soon, someone's gonna die." President Lee said, "This was a serious tragedy. To think that the Commons ran out of pasta salad." "I never did get to finish my dinner," said one student.