The Stetson Distorter

.'I y h p rl >j \\ c- // // yrlorida.5 LJmedt Coiieqiate fit T lew&papet April 1/1994 Stetson University DeLand, Florida Inside The Distorter Is an aged : Stetson tradition. All stories through page six are fabrications. Nothing on i these pages, except for the advertisements,, should be considered true. The Distorter is this staffs attempt to bring humor to the Stetson campus. Volume 106, Number 21 RN 100 requirement lifted Religion faculty members reassigned during negotiations Stetson Hat Co. endows University with grant Dean Gary Maris announced that RN 100, Introduction to Biblical literature, will no longer be required for stu- . dents in the College of Arts and Sdences beginning next semester. Maris said that a three-year study of the curriculum in the College, under the direction of Dr. Richard Kindred, had produced a stalemate on all issues except this one. The College faculty voted to kill RN 100 nearly unanimously at a recent meeting. Maris indicated that the course has been under severe criticism by students. He said that conservative students thought the course was taught from a liberal point of view and that nonreligious students viewed the Religion Department faculty as far too conservative. Most of the faculty in the Religion Department voted to discontinue the requirement Dr. Mitchell Reddish, chair of fhe department indicated that a compromise had been hammered out wherein the faculty would be able to choose their new assignments at the University. Reddish said that since few students would elect to study religion, only Dr. Phillip Lucas would remain in the department Lucas, the only, person in the department with no known religious faith, will teach courses in non- Christian religions. Dr. Lee said that this was in keeping with the new emphasis on multiculturalism. Dr. Clyde Fant will become Head Coach of the University's Division One boxing teams. The boxing teams, both men and women, will fight their matches at Sopotnick's Cabbage Patch, a haven for bikers in the rural town of Samsula. Dr. .Mitchell Reddish will become ' Research Professor of the Redd Sea Scrolls,'-which he discovered in the Negeb during a recent Winter Term trip. . Reddish smuggled the scrolls through customs by placing them in the knapsacks of Ms children Tim and Beth. He has sole claim to them according to Israeli authorities. Dr. Dixon Sutherland will turn the reins of the Institute of Christian Ethics over to new Dean of the Chapel Gerald Brown, who will coordinate all Christian activities on campus. Sutherland had been named Head Coach of Stetson's newly formed club sport in wiffleball. Team try-outs will be held on April 1 at 3:00 p.m. in the. Allen Hall auditorium, much to Rev. Charles Granger's dismay. Sutherland will also double as a homemaker. Dr. Kandy Queen-Sutherland will become Stetson's first female academic dean when she takes the reins' of the new College of Home Economics. The College, funded by a generous grant from the Limbaugh Foundation, will admit only chaste female students who commit in writing to be subservient to Stetson relocating to Georgia in 595 The Stetson Distorterhas confirmed the stunning fact that plans are complete for Stetson University to relocate to central Georgia beginning with the 1995 academic year. President Doug E, Lee reluctantly confirmed that Stetson recently signed the contract to purchase the former campus of Tift College on the outskirts of Macon. This move comes after Stetson negotiated the sale of its DeLand campus to the Walt Disney Company in January. This stunning chain of events all began with the favorable impression the Walt Disney Company gained while working on a joint venture with the Stetson Division of Education. Disney CEO Michael Bsner is credited with remarking that, "Stetson is just the Mickey Mouse type of university we need." ^ Eisner's executives soon set the wheels in motion for a complete buy-out of Stetson's DeLand campus. A $2 billion dollar proposal was presented to Stetson's Board of Trustees by Disney's Executive V.P. A. Goofy Dawg at a special January meeting held in DeLand. - Chaiiman of the Board of Trustees Mark Hollis is said to have accepted the offer immediately, then asking, "Would you like paper or plastic with that?" The completion of the deal left Stetson scrambling to find a new campus. At the recommendation of his dose friend Jimmy Carter, Doug Lee turned his attention to Georgia. The former campus of Tift College, located along see- - nic 1-75, was a natural choice. Although the new campus will accommodate a smaller student body, Lee does not view the downsizing of the University as a problem, since much of the current faculty has been asked by Disney to remain in DeLand and instruct aspiring Mouseketeers. Jimmy "Malaise" Carter was so pleased by Stetson's decision to move to Georgia that he accepted Lee's offer of the newly created position, the George Washington Carver Professor of Peanut Engineering. When asked about the relocation, Gary Maris, Dean of the College of Arts and Sciences, replied, "I'm excited about the move. With the end of Winter Term and the beginning of a new academic calendar, Stetson is closer than ever to achieving our goal of eliminating any distractions from the drudgery of academic studies. It is high time we got rid of this tradition-ridden campus and left this sunny state." Gary Rains, Executive Director of the Alumni Association, is believed to a be a secret critic of the relocation plan. Documents leaked to The TXstoxterindi- cate that Plains, in an attempt to stop the . move, has sent documents to Whitewater Special Counselor Robert Fiske indicating that loans from Madison Guaranty - Savings & Loan were tunneled through the University. Fiske.has promised a thorough investigation. President Doug "Moneybags" Lee denies the allegations, and explains the complicated transactions as, "an opportunity for Stetson to better position itself for the twenty-first century." Lee is re- femng to the fact that Stetson's endowment will increase to nearly $25,000 after all is said and done. The deep pock ets of the increased endowment will allow Stetson to continue its war against Wake Forest in the annual U.S. News and World Re- porfcollege rankings. In an issue of more importance to most, students, Director of Financial Aid, Jack Maggot indicates that as a result of the new endowment Stetson may actually be able to begin awarding enough financial aid for students to afford the University meal plan. . Student reaction of the move has remained 'mixed. Members of the Surfing Team opposed the move until they were told by Vice President and Dean of Campus Life James .Beastly they would be allowed to use nearby Lake Jackson for practice after the relocation. Other students remain steadfastly opposed to the move, citing their attachment to the sizable "residence- halls" of the DeLand campus. Poor Martins, Assistant Director of Residential Life, angrily remarked,."I bet in Macon we will even be forced to start calling the luxurious student accommodations dorms instead of residence halls." .But, just like the debate over Winter Term, student reaction about the relocation is useless. The deal is final, and the house- movers arrive in April to begin the preparations for the transportation of the President*s Mansion to Macon, the only reminder of the'DeLand campus not sold to Disney. men, to many as soon as possible, and to never work outside the home. The most conservative member of the Religion Department, Dr. Donald Musser, who did not vote to banish RN 100, has barricaded himself in his office with his eight-foot "Victory in Jesus" sign, threatening to shoot anyone who comes through Ms door. Musser, an Air Force officer who is an expert at killing and maiming, is said to have an AK-47, a cache of ammo, and ample espresso. Several students have reported seeing Musser shouting out Ms Allen Hall office window, "I will not be defeated!" and, 'What am 1 supposed to do with all these study-aid acronyms?" Because he refuses to pick his new assignment, University ofEdals have named Musser Co-Athletic Director despite the fact that he has no known connection with the University of Dayton. The Stetson Hat Company, founded by John B. Stetson, the man for whom our university is named, has decided that they want to renew their ties with Stetson University in a way that has not yet been utilized. The three-million dollar grant is the beginning of the Stetson Hat Company's plans to move its manufacturing plant to DeLand. Under the provisions of the grant, Stetson will receive $750,000 this summer to install a manufacturing facility on campus and provide the needed materials. In the fall, new students receiving Stetson financial aid will be trained in the process of operating the machinery and supervising the finished product The Stetson Hat Co. production director expects the Stetson facilities to be producing a large number of quality Please seeHATS, 2 "Bring Henry Back' campaign kicks off Harrod Black, a member of the Senior Send-off Committee of the Class of 1994, has come up with an ingenious plan with which to leave a truly unique legacy not only to the Stetson campus, but to the Deland area as well. Black has proposed that the Senior Send-off Committee work exhume the remains of Henry DeLand from his grave in New York and bring them to be rebur- ied here, DeLand founded the DeLand Academy (which later came to be known a's John B. Stetson University) and is the figure for whom the City of DeLand is named. Black maintains that our institution's founder deserves to have his-resting place on the campus in the city that * shares his name. He also cites the fact that Stetson has not paid much attention to its heritage in recent years and that the "Bring Back Henry" campaign would be an excellent way to renew interest in the University's rich history. DeLand was vacationing in New York when he died, and as Black passionately maintained in his Alabama drawl, "Henry DeLand was meant to have his final restingplace and memorial here. It was only a fluke that he ended up being buried there. I feel it is my responsibility as a Hatter and a Southerner to try to bring him back where he belongs." Despite the fact that the University will be moving to Georgia soon, Black contends that DeLand's remains being brought here by one of the last classes to graduate from the university's original site would be a significant and lasting contribution. In Ms proposal, Black suggests that the project be funded by donations solicited by and from the Class of 1994. Any funds still needed, according to Black, could perhaps be provided through an emergency assistance grant from the Student Government Association. SGA president Gayle Littleton, a member of the Class of 1994, supports Black's idea. "I agree with Harrod that it is important for the University to get back to an emphasis on its heritage. I feel confident that the senators could find it in their hearts to approve emergency funds for this worthy cause," she said.. Black proposes that a special team lead by himself would travel to New York to supervise the exhuming, which Please see HENRY, 2 New policy allows cohabitation for all After much deliberation and contemplation, the new housing policy has been finalized for the. 1994-95 school year. Current visitation policies are being further modified to stay in line with Stetson's non-discrimination policy. Student Government Association president Gayle Littleton says, "Stetson proclaims loudly that it does not discriminate against or favor anyone. Yet current visitation and housing arrangements clearly favor our homosexual community. All we want is for heterosexuals to have the same option." So new policy has granted constant 24-hour visitation to all buildings and has made all of the residence halls cohabitation environments, with the exception of Conrad Hall (which will, be co-ed but not co-hab). Betty Hubbard, swooning under the task of reinitiating room sign-ups, adds, "These changes do not mean that 100% percent of the campus will have to take advantage of this policy, but rather that the opportunity exists. I'm sure many heterosexual students will continue to choose to have roommates of the same gender." Dr. James Beasley elaborated this by Please see COBAB, 2